March 18th, 9:53 a.m. The dreaded phone call came. I answered the phone and heard my mother crying hysterically, “Bubbe died!” My initial reaction was, “oh my God!” It’s a fact that even though one is prepared for a loved one to die one is never prepared for the actual event. It was only the day before that I had a visit with her.
March 17th, 2:30 p.m. It was a routine visit but different from the day before. Today Bubbe seemed to be at peace. She was enjoying the fruit sorbet smoothie I had brought her. She sipped it out of her straw so fast that I had to remind her to sip slowly or she will get a brain freeze. Her response was a familiar, “yes Ma’am”, that gave me total satisfaction that she still had her sense of humor. There was no sense of agitation except for when she appeared to have used every ounce of energy to say, “Shuffle off to Buffalo.” It seemed as though she was in pain trying to get the entire phrase out of her mouth. I didn’t know the significance of this phrase but for some reason she said it often and seemed to have a purpose because of all the effort put into saying it. I sat with her for a few hours watching the food network “Chopped”. I rubbed her arm and held her hand and at times she would squeeze my hand. I acknowledged her awareness of my presence. Often she would shout out, “I want a drink!” Even with the straw in her mouth she would repeat herself, “I want a drink?” I was happy to be there to see that her needs were met. Shortly before I left her aid came into her room to clean her up and change her comforter that was dirty from her daily bed bound meals. She also mentioned to me that my grandmother was having what she suspected were Cheyne- Stokes respiration which is defined as according to Wikipedia as ‘an abnormal pattern of breathing characterized by progressively deeper and sometimes faster breathing, followed by a gradual decrease that results in a temporary stop in breathing.’ This cycle repeats itself and is known to be an indicator that death is near by days. She expressed her concern and monitored my grandmother overnight but she did fine and woke up the next morning in the same sleepy state as the days before. With this new information I informed my mother. I personally did not witness this during my visit on this day.
After my grandmother was cleaned and comfortable with her clean bedspread I noticed she was sleeping and I didn’t want to disturb her so I quietly said, “Bye Bubbe I love you.” And, I left.
I was told the next morning she woke up and had breakfast, fell asleep, and died.
After receiving the phone call from my mother I panicked. It was spring break and my kids were home from school. I felt the need to get to the nursing home right away so I could say goodbye for the last time. I scrambled to find a babysitter. I called my husband at work who said he would be home as soon as he could. In the meantime my niece showed up at my doorstep on her day off from school and early in the morning so that I could be on my way. Thank you Becca!
I joined my mother, aunt and uncle and the hospice staff in my grandmothers’ room. She lay on her bed as if she were asleep. I kissed her on the forehead and said a few words to her that I know she could hear one way or another.
The feelings we had were bittersweet. We were satisfied that Bubbe was no longer in pain whether mental or physical and she was at peace. But, at the same time we felt the loss of someone that had been a part of our daily lives.
The funeral was two days later. I couldn’t find the words then but since I found I was able to put my feelings best in a poem as I eulogize my grandmother and friend.
“I want to go home”, “I want my mother”
Were things you often said,
That only meant one thing to me
It meant you would have to be dead.
I wasn’t sure if you knew
That you were going to die,
I was afraid to tell you,
Afraid of your reply.
The social worker said “She knows”
“She says it in her own way”,
“I suggest you tell her it’s ok
And take it day by day”.
I prayed for you to be at peace
I prayed for you to go,
I will quote Shakespears’ King Richard II
“So two, together weeping, make one woe”.
It was hard to say goodbye to you
As you left your earthly life,
But I want you to know it’s clear to me
Your love for me is rife.
We buried you the other day
And laid you down to rest
Beside the man you married
To whom your love you did confess.
(He really was the best)
After you were gone for good
I shed a lot of tears
I miss you more than anything
You were my best friend for years.
I feel a void of having you
A part of my daily routine
I know it will take time to grieve
On my family I will lean.
It’s funny how this story ends
Because of what I have learned
You always had a way with words
There came an awkward turn.
I remembered the words of the social worker
“She says it in her own way”
I never knew what you meant when you said “Shuffle off to Buffalo”
I thought it meant to go astray.
I got a funny feeling
You saw it clearly in your mind’s eye
In hindsight it’s ironic
This was your way of saying you were ready to die. (“Shuffle off to Buffalo” = ‘to die’)
Your being where you want to be
With your husband, mom and dad,
Gives me a sense of peace
You are no longer sad.
Over the course of the last few years of my dairying on the series “Nursing Home Drama” there have been over 13,000 viewers. I want to thank you for your support and hope that this drama has helped someone who may have or are experiencing some of the same. I hope you continue to read my blog “The Diary of a Private Investigator” as I continue to diary my adventures. Please share this blog with your friends and LIKE my facebook page at www.facebook.com/diaryofapi.
