It's a Sad Sad Situation................ ........(More nursing home drama)

01-02-2013 at 08:54 PM 

It’s hard for me to put into words the thoughts I am having as I type this blog posting. I am full of sadness and anxiety. It is partly because of the daily stresses in my life but mostly because of my upcoming loss of my grandmother. I don’t know any other way to put it but my “upcoming loss” because it’s only a matter of time.

My thoughts were conceived from one of my most recent visits to the nursing home. The anxiety comes from not knowing if she will wake up the next day. The sadness comes from knowing the loss is coming. The comfort will come later when it’s all over with and I know she is exactly where she wants to be. How do I know you ask?

A few days ago I visited my grandmother at the home with my children and my mother. We walked into her room and she immediately sought out an avenue to get home. “I’m dying, I’m dying!” she cried out. “I can’t do this anymore!” she began to cry as she lay in her bed. My mother tried to comfort her as best as she could. But, she still wanted to “go home”.

It has been my experience, and you may or may not be able to relate, that when someone I care about and love is about to die I tend to go through some of the emotions of loss before it occurs. I don’t know why this happens but is a natural occurrence and happens without notice. It starts out as anger and can be so angry I do not respond well to nice people. I then wish to be alone in a small space where I then can cry my eyes out. I think when I became aware of this I purposefully stay away from people because I know deep down inside what is causing my behavior. This happened around the time I put my dog to sleep and a night or two before my father died. My body went into auto pilot. All in a matter of a few hours I became very angry, cried my eyes out until it hurt and I couldn’t cry any harder which caused my body to hurt, and I wanted to be alone in a dark room. I was inconsolable. I didn’t write this script. I was made this way.

I feel I am starting to go into this “state” again. I have felt the anger creeping up on me the last week and I have noticed my behavior towards others’ has not been exactly warm and fuzzy. It’s not everyone that steps into my path but those that are at the right place at the wrong time if you know what I mean. I see the warning signs but this time it seems to be taking longer to get to the worse part of crying so hard my body hurts.

According to the Doctors she will most likely fall asleep and never wake up. I know that when she passes she will be out of pain, with her mother, and free from the mental prison she has been in for the last year. I can’t be selfish and regretfully pray for this freedom for her.

Before I left the nursing home I promised that I would get her out of there but first I had to make arrangements for her to leave the nursing home and then make the arrangements for her return to her last home. She said, “The sooner the better,” and seemed to have done the trick to calm her down. She was given a pain pill for the pain she was having in her back and a mild sedative to calm her anxiety.

It’s no fun to lose a loved one. We all have lost someone we love and we all have our own stories of loss and coping. It’s especially nice to know you are not alone.

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