Bubbe update................... ..........More Nursing Home Drama

02-15-2013 at 12:13 PM 

First I would like to address the many requests I received from several readers who would like to know the names of the books I am reading or have read referencing my last blog posting on 2/5/13, titled "Bubbie Update". If you would like to contact me outside of this website please send me a private message on any of my facebook pages including www.facebook.com/emotionalescape.com OR www.facebook.com/diaryofapi. I enjoy hearing from my readers.

1. To Heaven And Back written by Mary C Neal, MD (A true story about a doctor who had a near death experience after almost drowning as a result of a kayaking accident)

2. Journey of Souls written by Michael Newton PH.D. (This hypnotherapist shares his case studies of life between lives. The life that you live from the time you die until your next life on earth begins)

These two books were amazing and if you read "To Heaven and Back" first the second book "Journey of Souls" explains a lot about why things happened the way they did in "To Heaven and Back".

Bubbe Update (notice the different spellings I use including Bubie and Bubbie. The correct spelling is actually Bubbe.)

I hate watching Bubbe suffer like this. Her half closed eyes, sunk in cheeks and lack of teeth make her look old but the red hair reminds me of the way she really looks when at her best. **sigh** Head down, eyes closes trying to get into a fetal position in her high back wheelchair is the sight I see when I first walk into the dining room where she sits at a table with a plate full of food in front of her. What's the point? She is not hungry and all she wants to do is sleep. Why even get her up in the first place. It would be considered neglect if they didn't. I guess leaving her in her wheelchair for indefinite amounts of time and not responding to her calling out for help isn't neglect among other things they fail to do that is just as important as feeding her. But, I digress.

Hospice suggested we start to let her go and tell her it's alright to go be with her mother and father. I have a hard time doing this because it means I am telling her it's o.k. to die. In my mind even though I want her to be at peace and if dying is the way to get there then I want her to die but I don't want to say it to her face. (I hate watching myself type this). "Bubbe, it's ok to go be with her mother and father. They are waiting for you," means I have to tell her she is dying. At these moments I wonder what is going through her mind. I wonder if she knows she is dying. I wonder if she is resisting it. When my mother tells her these things Bubbe doesn't respond but when she asks, "where is my mother? I want to be with my mother" and my mother says, "it's o.k. to go be with your mother" sometimes she will ask where her mother is and not just her location but she wants an address it seems. How can we be sure she acknowledges her fate and that her mind isn't playing tricks on her? Even when my own father was dying I couldn't tell him it was o.k. to go but instead told him that if he was in pain it was o.k. with me for him to go in order to stop the pain. He fought to stay alive until the very end and one of the last things I heard him say was that he wasn't in pain. He died of Pancreatic Cancer in 2004. I suspect that many people share my feelings about giving someone you care about verbal permission to check out and is recommended by hospice and nurses that care for terminal ill patients.

When hospice saw her yesterday they had not realized how much closer she is to death than they had guessed a few days before. They suspect that it is now more realistic to say it will be less than 2 weeks. Four weeks ago they said the same thing but without confidence. The family is anxious. It's like watching two cars moving at a slow pace heading for a collision. You know they will have impact but you don't know how bad the impact will be until after it happens. This properly describes the way I am feeling at this time.

I thank goodness for you, my diary, for allowing me a place to vent and log the events in the my life and the thoughts I have that I may not otherwise be able to share face to face with another living being.

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